This is hard to write. There is much I want to say. It’s been over a year since things happened, and in that time my trust in the church was completely shattered and my faith in God was tested more than ever, to the point where it was gone. But God somehow loved me through it and has used traumatic events to draw me closer to him.

Since childhood I have been a Christian, I’m in my mid-twenties and have had more challenges than most, having been wheelchair bound for almost a decade and having constant struggles with depression and suicide. I’ve been raised in a strong Christian family, and always had a longing for a wife who loved God with all her heart.

I thought that prayer had been answered by a woman a bit younger than me who had an eagerness for God. She was a church leader and would often lead the services and was involved in a few church groups.

We started dating and seemed to be on the same page with many things. I really enjoyed going to her church and found building friendships there easy. There were a few things I noticed as I got to know her deeper, but they didn’t concern me at the time.

The sexual assault occured a bit later over a month. She would lie on the bed (mine or hers) and invite me on to the bed. Even though I had hesitations she would assure me. Once on the bed things happened which included her sitting on my stomach and shoulders. She would ask me to do various things to her in bed. This also happened in her car and simply with her sitting on me while I sat in my wheelchair.

I hesitated getting on the bed and always asked for her assurance, she would always say she was sure and I trusted her even though I wondered if she was. The times in the car and on my wheelchair I had no opportunity to ask at the time. Any concerns I had were dismissed by her. 

After a month of this (almost every time she saw me) her lies were exposed and she left. I still don’t quite understand what happened and I haven’t seen her since (she didn’t want me going to her church anymore). I was quickly blamed and condemned by friends (although now they don’t contact me). About seven months later I reported the full extent of the sexual assault to the church after much deliberation and prayer. 

After six months of waiting I finally got a response. I was told that what happened was normal and expected Christian behaviour. The bible was used to justify her behavior and her lies. They dismissed it, not because they denied it happened, but because they saw nothing wrong with what she did. I was told I had overreacted and never should’ve reported it.

In that time I have been depressed, suicidal and not eating well. My health deteriorated and I spent over a month in hospital recovering both physically and mentally. I have trouble sleeping because I still often feel her body weight on me. I rarely go out of my house and will avoid many activities. I can’t deal with physical touch and I can’t look at a woman, without flashbacks and triggers of what she did to me. 

My lowest point was a few months after it happened, I attempted suicide most days and it was then that I should’ve lost my life, both spiritually and physically. For a while I vowed to give up my faith and my body. I wanted to die and go to hell.

My thoughts were confused and so many doubts filled my mind. How can God’s people treat me this way? Why has this happened? Why am I unlovable? What is wrong with me?

But God… even when I didn’t want him, even when I felt eternally separated from him, even when I had no feeling of his Spirit. God was faithful. Christ held on to me. The Spirit remained within me.

Unfortunately, I don’t think my story is unique. I know there are many people who have been let down by church leaders and the church. Many people who have been hurt may never want to trust God or consider Christianity again. If this is you, I don’t pretend to feel your pain or situation, you may have been hurt much more than me, but I can understand why you want to reject God. I’m not going to try and change your mind, I’m just going to share three things that helped me, I pray they help you and show you that God’s heart is for you.

Knowing the Bible

When everything seemed upside down, I turned to the only place I knew to find an answer, the bible. I read it all (something I hadn’t done), and noticed more and more. I read a few books and listened to podcasts from many bible teachers that constantly helped me to see God’s Word and love God’s Word, in the hospital I slept with my bible.

My love of God’s Word has only grown, and with it a mature understanding that continues to grow the more I read, listen and think. I am so thankful for this greater knowledge of my Creator, but it showed me that I only had a vague idea of God’s Word before. 

Forgiveness

The seriousness of sin is all over God’s Word, showing that what happened was wrong. But God offers forgiveness, greater than I ever knew before. Although I’m so sinful, rebellious and prideful, I am forgiven because of Christ’s death and resurrection. God still loves me despite my deep weakness. The more I consider that, the more amazed I am.

But Christ doesn’t just offer forgiveness, He died and rose again so we can be reconciled to God and live holy lives in a unity of peace with others. Forgiveness isn’t just for me, I also have to forgive her. 

Prayer

When my prayers for things to get better and to be free of all the pain, were unanswered, I stopped praying. Yet I knew the power of prayer. One day I said to myself that I can give up on God, and nothing will happen, there is no hope without him. OR I can return to God and start asking for his help, with God there is hope that He will do the impossible.

I have been praying daily since then for me, for her, and many other things. As I seek the Lord daily without answer I have experienced a growth in dependence on God that has slowly refined my heart and humbled me.

Purpose

Currently, there is no happy ending to this story, I still cling tightly to God through many of the same fears and struggles everyday. Yet, I am thankful. When things happened I was angry with God, but I now see it differently. Maybe God was protecting me from what could’ve been so much worse. I’ll ask him one day.

Whatever plan God has for me, I thank Him for the growth in my life during this time. I thought I had everything together, but when it all fell apart I almost did too. It wasn’t until the bible was used for evil that I saw how truly good it is. It wasn’t until I had to forgive that I learnt the power of forgiveness. It wasn’t until I had no tears left that I started to cry out to God. In the midst of terrible pain, I discovered God’s heart.

I have so much I could say about the sinfulness of what she did, church leadership, how God finds it all detestable, the pain and hurt I feel, or the ongoing effects of what you did. But I don’t want to do that. I just want to say to her: I love you, I pray for you, and I forgive you. I long for you come to Christ, in true repentance, true faith, and true holiness.